The Scottish Parliament; Macbeth and chorus.
Macbeth Now then, people - what progress are we making with our transport strategy?
Politician 1 Well, First Minister, the M8 is going to be widened to three lanes for its entire length. It's an improvement of 50% in capacity.
Macbeth Won't that cost hundreds of millions of pounds?
Politician 2 Not if we just make the lanes narrower.
Macbeth But it will be more dangerous. There will be accidents.
Politician 1 Yes, First Minister. Eventually we'll have to change it back. We can say we're improving road safety.
Macbeth That's no good! People will see through that plan.
Politician 2 But that's the clever bit. Going back to two lanes is only a 33% reduction, so we can claim it's still 17% better than before.
Macbeth Hmmm, I'm not sure about this one. (Starts counting on fingers.)
What about the papers? What are they saying about me?
Politician 3 I'm afraid The Scotsman isn't very complimentary, sir.
Macbeth And The Herald?
Politician 3 Not so bad. They don't pay too much attention to what goes on in Edinburgh.
Macbeth The Daily Record?
Politician 3 Only interested in the Big Brother house.
Macbeth What about the tabloids?
Politician 3 Don't ask, sir. You don't want to know.
Macbeth I begin to be aweary of The Sun.
I'm going to regret asking this, but what is The Sunday Post saying?
Politician 3 They seem to think Duncan King is still in charge.
Macbeth I see. Infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me.
Politician 2 Wrong pantomime, First Minister.
Macbeth Oh, right enough.
Anyway, write them a letter, will you. Threaten to cut off the editor's typing
finger, something like that.
Politician 3 Yes, Mr Macbeth.
Audience Gonnae no say that!
(A mobile phone is heard ringing. Chorus looks agitated.)
Macbeth Oh, for goodness sake!
Politician 1 (on telephone) Look, I can't talk right now. I'm on the stage.
What? There are? Where? Yes, yes, I'll tell him right away. (Puts phone away)
First Minister, the animals have escaped from the zoo - they're everywhere.
There are giraffes in the Grassmarket, Hippopotamuses in the Haymarket, and Fruit Bats in the Fruitmarket.
Enter Mandy Macbeth, L.
Mandy It's worse than that, Angus. A polar bear has just burst into the building with some penguins.
Macbeth Won't the polar bear eat the penguins?
Politician 2 No, First Minister; it won't be able to get the wrappers off.
Enter penguin R - it runs across the stage and exits L. Chorus just stand and stare.
Two penguins run across from R to L. Chorus still do nothing.
Mandy Don't just stand there, you idiots! Do something!
Several penguins enter stage from all sides and run about laughing while politicians try to catch them. Eventually they chase or carry off all the penguins until only Macbeth, one penguin and one politician are left. Final politician chases penguin off L. He then reappears, chased by King Penguin; they exit R.
Only Macbeth is left on stage. He paces about impatiently, looking at his watch..
Enter Macduff, R.
Macduff Now then, First Minister, now that we're alone, I believe we have some unfinished business to attend to.
He draws a large sword (or a light sabre would be good).
Macbeth Very well. I'm not afraid of you, you little toe-rag.
Macbeth draws his own sword. They fight. They're equally matched, with neither man getting the upper hand.
Macbeth You're better at this than I thought. I suppose you're going to tell me your father was Darth Vader or something.
Macduff I don't know who my father was. I was a test-tube baby.
Macbeth stops fighting for a moment.
Macbeth I've got a bad feeling about this. Those witches tricked me, didn't they?
They resume fighting.
Macduff Of course they tricked you. Where were you when they did Shakespeare at school?
Macbeth I missed that bit. I was down the shops with my girlfriend, Agnes.
Macduff Bet you wish you'd paid attention, then.
Macbeth It was her idea. She was always getting me into trouble like that. That's why we split up.
Macduff So you're not completely ignorant then.
Macbeth She didn't take it very well. That's how I got the curse put on me.
Macduff Enough of this chatter. Submit or die, Macbeth!
Audience Gonnae no say that!
Macbeth Aye, gonnae no!
Macduff How come?
Macbeth It's unlucky.
Macduff runs him through with the sword.
Macduff Aye, right enough.
Macbeth falls to his knees and tips forwards onto his face, dead.
Enter chorus. They are aghast.
Politician 1 He's dead!
Politician 2 You killed him!
Politician 3 What are we going to do?
Macduff I suppose you'll just need to have an election.
All Oh. Right enough. Jolly good! Hurray! Excellent! etc, etc (much celebrating)
Enter Duncan R - nobody notices him. He walks over towards Macbeth and looks down.
Duncan Up you get, son. You're coming with me.
Macbeth rises to his feet - he is a ghost.
Macbeth Well, what happens now?
Duncan I think you know what happens next.
Macbeth Is this the part where you get revenge?
Duncan There's no point.
Macbeth Not after what I did to you?
Duncan It won't bring me back to life. Don't worry about all that, old friend. After all, I'm in no position to give you a hard time. How do you think I got the job?
Macbeth Oh it's like that, is it?
Duncan Anyway, now we're going on a long journey.
Macbeth I take it we're going down there?
Duncan Yes, Angus, there's a special hell for the likes of us.
Macbeth You mean...
Duncan Yes. The House of Lords.
Exit Duncan and Macbeth L.
Enter Wendy, R
Wendy Oh, Malcolm, it's true! You did it! That horrid man is gone!
Macduff Yes, and now there's nothing to stop us getting married.
Wendy My father's death has been avenged,
Good has triumphed once again.
Macduff The evil man is lying dead,
And now at last we can be wed.
Closing number, with penguins - "Edinburgh!" reprised.
Blackout
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