The Scottish Parliament. Duncan King and chorus.
The portrait of David Cameron is back up on the wall, only now he is shown with a bandage round his head.
Duncan sings - "I am the very model of a modern politician."
Duncan I am the very model of a modern politician;
My interests are eclectic and my policies patrician;
I know the kings of Scotland and I quote the fights historical,
From Bannockburn to Bothwell Bridge in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters scientifical,
Biology and chemistry and physics theoretical,
With strategies for making all our C02 emissions fall,
And many cheerful facts about colliding hadrons large and small.
Chorus And many cheerful facts about colliding all those hadrons large and small.
Duncan I know the works of Irvine Welsh and
Robert Burns and Walter Scott,
And when it's safe to accept gifts from lobbyists and when it's not.
In short, in matters economic, Marxian and Keynesian,
I am the very model of a modern politician.
I 've got the full boxed set of DVDs
of Billy Connolly,
And quote the words of wisdom now ascribed to Dougie Donnelly;
My air miles are extensive from my trips to places near and far,
Promoting Scottish interests and hanging out with movie stars.
I've memorised entirely all the list of current acronyms,
And analysed results of focus groups and those computer sims,
Then I can list in order the First Ministers who've gone before,
And whistle all the airs from every TV show on Channel 4.
Chorus And whistle all the airs from all those bloomin' TV shows on Channel 4.
Duncan I'm currently researching a biography
of Molotov,
(And Googling that pop star who was pictured with her knickers off.)
In short, in matters economic, Marxian and Keynesian,
I am the very model of a modern politician.
In fact, when I know what is meant by
"deficit" and "arbitrage";
Or "quantitative easing", "sub-prime market", or
"derivative";
When such affairs as budgets and elections I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by proletariat;
When I have mastered e-mail and the internet and MP3,
And worked out what the name is for the bank once known as TSB,
In short, when I've a smattering of prudent fiscal strategy -
You'll say no Scottish man has ever been a better MSP.
Chorus You'll say no Scottish man or woman's ever been a better MSP.
Duncan For my economic knowledge, though I
must concede it is absurd,
Was generally gathered from the little guide by Ladybird.
But still, in matters economic, Marxian and Keynesian,
I am the very model of a modern politician..
Enter Macbeth, L.
Macbeth Good afternoon, First Minister.
Duncan Good afternoon, Macbeth.
Audience Gonnae no say that!
The sound of breaking glass is heard.
Duncan Sorry.
I thought you were at a constituency meeting.
Macbeth I was, but I've just got back
Duncan I didn't see you arrive.
Macbeth I took one of those stealth taxis. (Laughs)
Duncan Anyway, can't hang about - I need to leave. The decorators are coming to my house.
Macbeth Decorators?
Duncan Yes, they came highly recommended. I need to find somewhere to stay while they work. Do you know any good hotels around here?
Macbeth Yes, but why don't you stay with us? We have a spare room.
Duncan Are you sure? I don't want to be any trouble.
Macbeth Not at all. Besides, Mandy would murder me if I didn't invite you.
Duncan Oh, alright then. I'll drop by later if that's okay. (To audience) I'm not sure about this. There's something about this man I don't trust. He's scheming, ambitious and devious. And not in a good way.
Exit Duncan R
Macbeth A chance to play a cunning trick
Has come my way - I seized it quick.
His night chez moi will be his last,
I'll take his job, and do it fast.
(Laughs maniacally)
Exit Macbeth L.
Blackout.
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