Scene 2

Enter Macbeth, L

Macbeth         Ah, so this is the new parliament building. It'll be nice when it's finished.

                        (He notices the audience.) Well, hello. My name is Angus Macbeth, and I'm the MSP for Glamis. I've just got back from the TV studio. What fun. That'll teach them to show me some respect. No booing and hissing for me!

                        I'm not really a bad person you know, just misunderstood. It's because of the curse - if anyone says my name it causes bad luck. One time somebody said it, and the Jubilee Hall was snowed in for a fortnight. Pantomime cancelled, and everything.

                        In fact, maybe you could do me a favour. If anyone says "Macbeth", can you shout "Gonnae no say that!" Can you do that for me?

Audience         Yes!

Macbeth         Excellent. Perhaps we can have a little practice.

                        Hello, my name is Macbeth.

Audience         Gonnae no say that!

Macbeth         Well done! Try again. Macbeth!

Audience         Gonnae no say that!

Macbeth         Brilliant. You've got the hang of this for sure.

                        This curse is a right scunner, though. It was put on me when I was a boy growing up in Bothwellhaugh. Ah, well. It's all water under the bridge now.

                        Anyway, I'm in charge of transport. There's going to be an international airport in Strathaven. And congestion charging for Lanark. Then I'll put speed cameras on Turfholm bridge.

                        Just think what I could do if I were First Minister...

                        (sings)

                        If I were First Minister,
Yabba, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dum,
All day long I'd biddy, biddy bum,
If I were a powerful man.
I wouldn't have to work hard,
Yabba, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dum,
If I were a biddy, biddy rich,
Idle, diddle, didle, didle man.

                        I see my wife, my Mandy, looking like a rich man's wife
With a proper double chin;
Supervising meals to her heart's delight.
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oh! What a happy mood she's in,
Screaming at the servants day and night.

                        The most important men in town will come to fawn on me.
They will ask me to advise them, like a Solomon the wise.
"If you please, Mister M, pardon me, Mister M ---"
Posing problems that would cross a Rabbi's eyes.
Yadda di da da, yaddi da da, dai.

                        And it won't make one bit of diff'rence if I answer right or wrong.
When you're boss they think you really know.
If I were boss I'd have the time that I lack to sit in the parliament all day
And maybe have a seat by the eastern wall.
And I'd discuss affairs of state with the learned men while they hear what I say,
That would be the sweetest thing of all. (Sighs)

                        If I were First Minister,
Yabba, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dum,
All day long I'd biddy, biddy bum,
If I were a powerful man.
I wouldn't have to work hard,
Yabba, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dibby, dum,
Lord, who made the lion and the lamb,
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast, eternal plan---
If I were First Minister?

Enter 3 witches R

Morag             Well if it isn't that man Angus Macbeth!

Audience         Gonnae no say that!

The portrait of David Cameron falls off the wall.

Morag             Oops, sorry.

Isabel              One day your dream will come true.

Morag             You can achieve anything, with the power of positive thinking.

Isabel              It's all in our book. (Waves a book.)

Katy                You can buy it on Amazon!

Morag             Tell me, minister, what is your vision for Scotland?

Macbeth         Scotland is the best wee country in the world! I believe we can punch above our weight on the world stage. We can be like Iceland.

Isabel              You mean, less shortbread, haggis and whisky?

Macbeth         Exactly!

Katy                ... and more cream cake, oven chips, and fish fingers?

Macbeth         Yes! No! Not that Iceland, you fools. Are you trying to make me look stupid?

Morag             No.

Isabel              Not at all.

Katy                Why would we need to do that?

Morag             Never mind, dear, perhaps we can interest you in a nice homeopathic remedy?

Isabel              "Multipurpose, in a jar..."

Katy                "If you ain't ill, it'll fix your car."

Macbeth         Not today, thank you.

Morag             Or we can tell your future, you know.

Macbeth         Oh, alright then. But be quick about it.

Morag produces a crystal ball, while Isabel and Katy bring over a chair and small table and set it up in front of her. She puts the table cloth on her head as a head scarf, so that she looks like a gypsy fortune teller.

Morag             Cross my palm with silver.

She holds out her hand. Macbeth hands her a bank note.

Morag             Cross my palm with more silver.

Macbeth gives her more money.

Morag             I see a tall, dark stranger. No, wait a minute, it's you.

                        Great power will come your way. Men will quake in your presence. All Scotland will lie at your feet.

Macbeth         Excellent. (rubs hands together) I knew I was destined for greatness. The country needs someone like me to take charge. You can't depend on the voters knowing what's good for them. They're all ignorant and apathetic.

Isabel              (to Katy) You know the difference between ignorance and apathy, don't you hen?

Katy                (crossly) I don't know and I don't care.

Macbeth         And then what happens?

Morag             To be continued.

Isabel              Come back next week...

Katy                ... for the thrilling conclusion.

Macbeth         That's no good! I want to know what happens next.

Isabel              Er, beware the ides of March?

Morag             Oh, shoosh, that's the other fellow.

Katy                You can always check the spoiler sites on the internet.

Macbeth         Huh! Be off with you, before I call security.

Exit witches R

Macbeth         Hmm, I don't trust these three. They look like trouble to me. In league with the devil, probably.

                        Speaking of which, here's my dear wife.

Enter Mandy Macbeth L

Macbeth         Hello Mandy, dearest.

Mandy            Hello Angus, darling. I don't think much of this decor. And that beam's loose. (Points towards ceiling.) You'll need to have something done about it.

Macbeth         Yes, dear.

Mandy            There have to be standards, you know. Need to set an example. Can't have people thinking this place was built on the cheap by cowboys.

Macbeth         No, dear.

Mandy            And anyway, what are you doing to advance your career? You should be First Minister, not that dopey Duncan King.

Macbeth         Yes, dear.

Mandy            It's no good being his number two, you know. It just means you have to put up with all the...

Macbeth         (hurriedly) rubbish.

Mandy            It's your destiny. Denial is not an option.

Macbeth         Oh yes it is.

Audience         Oh no it isn't.

Mandy            Oh, don't get them started. (Gestures towards audience.)

Macbeth         How about, we sneak into his house, find something incriminating, then post a video of it on YouTube?

Mandy            That's a stupid idea. It'll never work. No, you have to bump King off and take his job. You could wait 'till he's asleep, then pour poison in his ear. It'll look like natural causes.

Macbeth         That might have worked in the 17th century, but they've got forensic science now.

Mandy            Well, do him in and make it look like someone else did it. If you're so clever, why don't you think of something?

Macbeth         (to audience) I need to find a cunning plan.

Mandy            Without a plan, you're not a man.

Macbeth         (to audience) My dearest wife I must appease.

Mandy            Take what's ours! That way you'll please.

Blackout