The Scottish Parliament. There is a portrait of David Cameron on the wall, along with a slightly smaller one of Nick Clegg; the backdrop shows various Edinburgh landmarks.
Chorus of politicians etc sing opening number, "Edinburgh!".
Edinburgh! Where the wind comes
sweeping down the plain,
And the waving wheat can sure smell sweet
When the wind comes right behind the rain.
Edinburgh! Every night my honey lamb
and I
Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk
Making lazy circles in the sky.
We know we belong to the land,
And the land we belong to is grand,
And when we say - Yeeow! A-yip-i-o-ee-ay!
We're only saying you're doing fine,
Edinburgh! Edinburgh! OK.
Enter Wendy R.
Wendy Hello everybody!
Chorus Hello Wendy / Hello dear /Hi there etc.
Wendy I am so looking forward to the dance next week.
Chorus Yes, lovely, can't wait etc.
Wendy I just wish I had someone to go with.
Politician 1 You mean, nobody's asked you yet?
Politician 2 What about Malcolm Macduff, the member for Auchenshoogle?
Politician 3 He's a lovely boy...
Politician 4 ...even if he does get his words mixed up sometimes.
Wendy Yes, I'd love to go with him, but he hasn't asked me out.
Chorus Oh dear / what a shame etc.
Politician 1 Well this could be your lucky day...
Politician 2 ...because here he comes now.
Enter Macduff R
Macduff Hello everybody
Chorus Good morning, Macduff / hello young man etc
Macduff Hello Wendy.
Wendy Hello Malcolm.
Chorus pretends not to pay any attention, while eavesdropping intently.
Macduff Isn't it a lovely day?
Wendy Yes it is.
Macduff I was hoping I would find you here.
Wendy Oh, and why is that?
Macduff Er, um, er, well... I was, er, wondering, er ...
Wendy Yes?
Macduff I was wondering, um, er, I was wondering if you'd be interested in going to the Beyoncé with me.
Wendy Beyoncé?
Macduff Madonna.
Wendy Madonna??
Macduff Kylie. (Pause) No, Ceilidh. I was wondering if you'd like to go to the Ceilidh with me.
Wendy I'd love to.
Macduff You would? You're father won't mind?
Wendy Why should he?
Macduff Well, it might be an embarrassment to him, with me being in the opposition party and everything.
Wendy Oh, he won't bother about that. Anyway, you can always ask him. Here he is now.
Enter Duncan King R
Duncan Good morning, everybody
Chorus Good morning, First Minister.
Wendy Hello father.
Duncan Hello Wendy, dear.
Now then, what's going on in the world?
Politician 3 Did you not see the debate on the BBC last night? The member for Glamis thrashed the opposition - made them look like a bunch of numpties.
Politician 4 The audience were laughing their heads off. Even Paxman was impressed.
Duncan Excellent, excellent. I must congratulate him when I see him.
(To audience) Ah, voters. Permit me to introduce myself. I am Duncan King, First Minister. The tabloids like to call me King of Scotland, which is nice. It really annoys the opposition, but we don't care.
I have integrity running through me like the writing in Edinburgh rock...
Politician 1 That's no right!
Politician 2 Aye it is.
Duncan ...and my government has a policy of continuous improvement. It never ends, like painting the Forth Bridge...
Politician 1 Shall we tell him?
Politician 2 No, dinnae bother..
Duncan ... so I'm sure we can count on your votes in the upcoming election.
(to chorus) Which reminds me, how can we bribe the ungrateful sods so they vote for us?
Politician 1 We could say we're going to eliminate tolls on the Kingston Bridge.
Politician 2 Or we could promise a maths book for every schoolchild. That'll work.
Duncan Or we could just give them lots of sweeties. (Throws sweets to audience.)
Enjoy your sweets, and have some fun!
I only ask that in return,
Remember this, and please take note,
When it becomes your time to vote.
Blackout - exeunt omnes.
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