Poetry Devoted to Fish

those most noble of creatures

Index

A
Acara African Butterflyfish	Alewife Alligatorfish	Anchovy Angel Fish	Angler Argentine	Atlantic Guitarfish
B
Baloonfish Barbfish Barracuda Barrelfish Basking Shark Bass Batfish	Beaked Coral-Fish Beardfish Beaugregory Beauty Bichir Bigeye Bigscalefish	Blackfish Blenny Bloater Blue Runner Bluefish Bluegill Boarfish	Bombay Duck Bonefish Bowfin Boxfish Bream Breeder Bristlemouth	Bullhead Bumper Burrfish Butterfish Butterflyfish
C
Capelin Cardinalfish Carp Catfish Characin	Charr Chimaera Chub Cichlid Clingfish	Clownfish Cobia Cockscomb Cod Codlet	Conchfish Cornetfish Cowfish Crab Crappie	Croaker Cunner Cusk Cutlassfish
D
Dace Damselfish Darter	Dealfish Doctorfish	Dogfish Dolly Varden	Dolphin Dory	Dragonfish Drum
E
Eel	Elephant Fish	Elephant Snout Fish
F
Fallfish Filefish	Flagfish Flamefish	Flier Flounder	Flyingfish	Full-Dress Fish
G
Garfish Goatfish Goby Goldfish	Goosefish Gourami Grayling	Greenling Grenadier Grouper	Grubby Grunt Gulper	Gunnel Guppy Gurnard
H
Haddock Hagfish Hake	Halfbeak Halibut Hamilton	Hardtail Harvestfish Hatchetfish	Herring Heterotis Hogchoker	Hogfish Houndfish
J
Jack	Jacknife Fish	Jambeau	Jenny	Jumprock
K
Killifish	Kingfish
L
Ladyfish Lamprey Lance Lancetfish	Lanternfish Leatherjacket Ling	Lingcod Lionfish Lizardfish	Loach Logperch Lookdown	Lord Lumpfish Lungfish
M
Mackerel Madtom Mako Man-Of-War Fish	Mandarinfish Marlin Menhaden Midshipman Minnow	Mojarra Molly Mooneye Moonfish	Moray Mosquitofish Mudminnow Mudskipper	Mullet Mummichog Muskellunge Mussel
N
Needlefish
O
Ohua Paawela	Oldwife
P
Paddlefish Parrotfish Payara Pearlsides Perch Permit	Photichthyid Pickerel Pigfish Pike Pilchard Pilotfish	Pinfish Pipefish Piranha Plaice Platyfish Plecostomus	Poacher Pollock Pompano Porcupinefish Porgy Porkfish	Pout Prickleback Prowfish Puffer Pumpkinseed
R
Ratfish Razorfish Redhorse	Reedfish Remora Ricefish	Rivulus Rockfish	Rockling Ronquil	Rosefish Rudderfish
S
Sailor's Choice Salmon Sand Diver Sandperch Sardine Sargassumfish Sargent Major Saury Sawfish Scad Schoolmaster Scorpionfish Sculpin	Scup Seahorse Searobin Seasnail Sennet Shad Shanny Shark Sharksucker Sheepshead Shiner Shortnose Greeneye Siamese Fighting Fish	Silver Arrowana Silverside Skate Skilletfish Sleeper Slimehead Slippery Dick Smelt Snailfish Snakeblenny Snakefish Snakehead Snapper	Snipefish Snook Soldierfish Sole Spadefish Spearfish Spot Squirrelfish Stalk-Eye Fish Stargazer Starsnout Stickleback Stingray	Stonecat Stoneroller Studfish Sturgeon Sucker Sunfish Swampfish Swordfish Swortail
T
Tang Tarpon Tattler Tautog Tench	Tetra Thornyhead Tilefish Toadfish Toado	Tomcod Tomtate Tonguefish Topminnow	Topsmelt Triggerfish Tripletail Trout	Trumpetfish Trunkfish Tuna Turbot
V
Viperfish
W
Walleye Warmouth	Weakfish Wenchman	Whalefish Whiff	Whitefish Windowpane	Wolffish Wrymouth
Y
Yellowhead Wrasse

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Two Odes to the Anchovy

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

Here is an ode that I penned in celebration of the anchovy, a
multi-faceted fish who I feel is generally unlucky in life. Luck in this
case comes in the form of Edgar, a Piranha with an unusual (for the
species) dietary regime.

Albermarle the Anchovy,
Was the finest of his type you see,
For he could drive a motor car,
And drink pint on pint in his favourite bar.

Albermarle was a splendid fellow,
But he caught a disease that turned him yellow,
Alas he was taken for a banana,
And eaten by Edgar, the vegetarian Piranha.

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1999 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

Dear Rev. Travisty,

In answer to Gilbert's wonderful anchovy ode, here is a little riposte.

I do so like an anchovy,
For supper, breakfast, lunch or tea.
Give me an anchovy on a slice of toast,
With Bovril and lemon, and I would boast,
That nothing would I eat again.
Except perhaps for a kippered herring.

yours,

Rev. Quaker Mass
(c) Copyright 1999 Rev. Quaker Mass

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The Angler Fish

Dear Rev. Travisty,

I have often wondered at the diminishing numbers of angler fish
in the world. I penned this ode to offer an explanation for the
disappearances.

Arthur was an angler fish.
His life was full of confusion.
He hooked himself with rod and reel,
And cooked himself by fusion.

yours,

Rev. Quaker Mass

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Defence Mechanisms

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

I once met a Barracuda, a rather sinister, powerful and protective fish
who seemed to prefer the anonymity of the evening. I imagine that Basil,
the hero of this poem, lives in a Tudor-esque house in Surrey and would
be rather concerned to protect his property.

Basil the nocturnal Barracuda,
Startled a night time intruder,
Who had constructed a gantry,
To climb in his pantry,
And steal all his rum from Bermuda.

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 2000 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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On the loss of Gilbert's works...

Dear Mr Hemorrhoid,

I was upset to hear of the loss of your unpublished works.
I think we all feel the pain of the theft. This humble poem may
somehow compensate for the loss. It was inspired by a basking
shark I saw in Devon recently. I saw a look in its eye that spoke
to me of a great longing.

A harmless basking shark called Peter,
Had an urge to join the theatre.
He smashed at the Globe,
In a livid blue robe,
Playing Brutus to a John Gielgud's Ceaser.

Regards,

Rev. Quaker Mass

Dear Reverend Mass,

Thank you for your kind words and splendid poem, they have consoled me
enormously after my recent loss. The public expect poetry to be produced
in huge quantities and do not realise the effort and struggle that goes
into every single word. Reverend, I know that you are an honourable man
and a fine poet, I shall put pen to paper forthwith. Thank you for your
inspiration.

Yours,

Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

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A silly old bass

Dear Mr Hemorrhoid,

Upon being called a silly old bass yesterday, I was struck
with this idea for a limerick. I trust you will find it amusing.

A silly old bass called Derek,
Once had a dream of John Merrick.
The dream was so frightening,
That he woke up like lightening,
And noticed he'd become quite hysteric.

I thank you.

Regards,

Rev. Quaker Mass

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Ode to the Bream

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

Here is an ode that I penned in celebration of the bream. I have long
been impressed with the majesty and formality that the bream brings to
any occasion. Therefore, I have cast the bream into the role of a High
Court judge (rudge?).

My favourite judge was a silvery bream,
He sat on the bench, as if in a dream.
But his decisions on crime,
Were correct 'til the time,
He hanged a minnow for stealing some cream.

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1998 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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An Homage to the Carp

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

I am experimenting with a new poetic style, with a shorter more choppy
feel. This is a working prototype of a poem about a carp. You will
notice the play on words in the last line. I would be grateful for an
honest, forthright review.

I saw a carp,
who was playing a harp,
he wasn't too good,
in fact, he was carp.

Regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1998 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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Clowning around

Dear Rev. Travisty,

In honour of it being national poetry day, I have composed this little ode
to the clown fish, a native of tropical reefs. The clown fish is notably
shy, hiding by day and night in poisonous anemones.

Why do you hide your comical mandibles,
In an anemone's rubbery tendrils?
Perhaps you're scared of press photographers?
Or on the run from piscine police officers?

regards,

Rev. Quaker Mass
(c) Copyright 1999 Rev. Quaker Mass

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Cod and God

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

I have often wondered about the religious persuasions of the noble cod.
I am now convinced that on the whole, they are agnostics. I felt that a
poem was in order, I feel that it captures the inner dilemma of the
agnostic.

Nigel the agnostic cod,
had problems believing in god,
He was rather put out,
that he wasn't a trout,
And cried "Oh god, we poor cod are down trod".

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1998 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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The Crab

Dear Rev. Travisty,

After a trip to the wonderful city of Amsterdam I had reason to visit a
doctor who specialised in delicate treatments. That is incidental to the
fact that I had a rather spectacular plate of stuffed crabs in a restaurant
by the canal. It set me to thinking about that peculiar beast that can
only crawl sideways.

The crab he is a splendid beast,
he dwells in grimy creaks.
The best way to be rid of him,
is cream and no sex for a week.

regards,

Rev. Quaker Mass
(c) Copyright 2000 Rev. Quaker Mass

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The Eel

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

This is a little something that I have composed. Underlying the happy,
friendly lives of the two brothers is a dire warning to parents, your
offspring live with the name that you choose.

An eel named Elvis,
was named after the "King",
His brother called Crosby,
Was named after Bing.

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1999 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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The French Flounder

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

I have recently been examining the darker side of the piscine world. This theme continues with my latest poem, which is ostensibly about a Flounder called Pierre and a Turbot named Tony. In fact, the star of this poem, and a victim of indifference and sexual cruelty is a dear young fish (of unspecified type) named Claudine.

Pierre the French Flounder,
Was a terrible bounder,
As he toyed with the love of Claudine.

But Tony the Turbot,
The horrible pervert,
He too had his eye on Claudine.

She cried when he found her,
She shrieked when he bound her,
And buggered her with a Sardine.

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 2000 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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A Sporting fish the Grayling

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

I write here about a Grayling, the type of fish who would perhaps
frequent health clubs and gymnasia. Although one may be carried away,
enamoured by the prospect of a new leisure occupation, we should bear in
mind our natural limitations. This is a poem about a grayling who
didn't.

There was a sporty grayling,
Who dreamed of going abseiling,
He gripped the rope,
But had not a hope,
And was impaled on a pointy railing.

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1999 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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An Homage to the Haddock

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

The Haddock is a fish that has suffered a bad press over the last one
hundred years. To honour this fine fish who has, in my opinion, never
put a fin wrong, I have written a poem.

The Haddock is a marvellous fishy,
Swimming through the seas,
I'd like to place him on a dishy,
and eat him up with peas.

I hope that puts the record straight.

Regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1998 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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An Ambitious Hake

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

The hake is indeed a fine fish, very ambitious but unfortunately
not in the league of the haddock. I have written a poem to show
my admiration of the hake. I feel that this may offer inspiration
for a fish-related "Coleridge-esque" epic, a Rhyme of the Ancient
Halibut (c), if you will.

Jake the hake.

A hake named Jake had a problem,
he wanted to go to the moon,
So Jake wrote a letter to NASA,
but I think he wrote it too soon,

They replied that a hake in a rocket,
"A viability problem would pose,
for all of the spacemen of NASA,
must be able to touch their toes"

"Give me some toes and I'll touch them"
Said Jake with a flick of his fins,
"I bet you can't do this in a spacesuit",
And he punctured his tail with some pins.

So if you're a fish that wants to go lunar,
And you're equipped with a tail and a fin,
Make sure that your parents are tuna,
And you might well get there in a tin.

Regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1998 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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Oh, how I love Halibut

Dear Rev. Travisty,

I have composed a little poem that I hope will be considered for
inclusion in the Fish Poetry website. I dedicate it to Gilbert
Hemorrhoid, Poet Laureat.

There is nothing nicer than a Halibut,
On a plate with mash and peas.
I'd change my car for one, but,
I seem to have lost my keys.

yours,

Rev. Quaker Mass
(c) Copyright 1998 Rev. Quaker Mass

Henry the Halibut

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

Eating disorders are a serious matter. We tend to think of them as a purely
human affliction, but this is not the case, they are also found in the fish
world. I have written the following poem to highlight this fact. Though it
is written in a style that may be regarded as derogatory, this is not the
intention. The style is simply a device to draw in the reader and publicise
the plight of my very dear friend Henry.

Henry was a halibut,
Who loved to munch a Ginger Nut,
He would eat them by the pound,
And grew till he was almost round,
He was no more than a swimming gut,
Twice the size of a Nissen Hut.

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,

Gilbert Hemorrhoid.
Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1999 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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The Hamilton

Professor Puddle,

My latest,

The Hamilton is a Scottish fish,
I studied it once at college,
It has a tartan underbelly,
And dines alone on porridge.

Gilbert Haemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1998 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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An Ode to the Herring

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

Here is an ode that I penned in celebration of the herring. The
negativity that can be perceived in the verse is in deference to that
finer creature of the deep, the marvellous haddock.

The herring is a splendid fish,
although it cannot fly.
It cannot hold a rugby ball,
And will never score a try.

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1998 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

On the forbearance of fish

Dear Rev. Travisty,

I often wonder at the forebearance of fish. I once looked after a
fish called Charlie that had caught the disease white spot. Despite
the slow and fatal progress of the ailment, the fish always looked
cheerful and pleased to see me. Even in the last stages of his life
he tried to swim towards me with his remaining fin, even though he
could barely see out of his rheumy eyes. I dedicate this poem to the
memory of Charlie.

Goldy was a long-lived herring,
Living near Hampton Court.
She wasn't overbearing,
Despite her veneral wart.

Regards,

Rev. Quaker Mass
(c) Copyright 2000 Rev. Quaker Mass

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The Humble Heterotis

Dear Rev. Travisty,

I understand the Hon. Gilbert Hemorrhoid is hard at work
on his second work, "A life in the mathematics of Halibut".
To this end I have composed a poem about a Heterotis that
I hope meets with your approval.

There once was a fish called a Heterotis,
Who wanted to improve his career.
This fish considered joining Otis,
but for heights, this fish had a strong fear.

He went to see his careers advisor,
In Melton Mowbray High Street it was.
And asked to see the supervisor,
A chap by the name of Derivative Moss.

Said Moss to the fish, I cannot do much,
You see, your name is just too silly.
Would you consider shortening it a touch,
Perhaps to Hetero, Hetty, Het or Billy?

Billy sounds just fine, said the fish to Moss,
Now what can you do for my job prospects?
For a talking fish like you, you could be your own boss,
and perhaps become one of those architects?

So, with an office in Slough, and a p.a. called Jane,
He set to work with a vengeance.
He couldn't hold a pen, or draw circles, to his shame,
to say nothing about drawing tangents.

There may be more verses to this one. I had so many ideas
when I started penning it. And the scansion is a little
ropey too. Not up to Gilbert's high standards I fear.

yours,

Rev. Quaker Mass
(c) Copyright 1998 Rev. Quaker Mass

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A ling by any other name...

Dear Rev. Travisty,

I have composed a little poem that I dedicate to Gilbert
Hemorrhoid, Poet Laureat. Whereas it in no way compares to
his high art, I hope it is none the less pleasing. I concerns
a Ling, who is frustrated in his search.

A Ling called Ping Chow sought adventure,
So off to china he went.
His cousin Ping Ling said he lived there,
Or so it said on the postcard he sent.

His arrival was delayed at the airport,
His papers were not up to date.
But by showing the postcard from Ping Ling,
He finally got through the gate.

He searched high and low for his cousin,
But in the end he called it a day.
There are more Lings in the Beijing phone book,
Than Alis and Singhs in Bombay.

yours,

Rev. Quaker Mass
(c) Copyright 1999 Rev. Quaker Mass

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The Lungfish in Three Stanzas

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

I have never been particularly fond of the lungfish, but decided to turn
over a new leaf and write a poem about them. Unfortunately, my negative
feelings appear to have got the better of me. To all of the lungfish in
the audience, I send my apologies.

Lionel the lungfish,
Ate his tripe from a tin dish,
He cried "this is lovely,
Although a tad rubbry."

He went up for more,
And although he felt sore,
He ate like a trooper,
Exclaiming, "It's super."

He ate like a star,
But had gone much to far,
As he opened his gullet,
and threw up on a mullet.

I hope that you enjoy the poem, I feel sure that you will enjoy the
mullet reference.

Regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1998 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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Bob Marlin

My Dear Professor Cat-Food,

We have a new fish related poetry contributor. I am jolly impressed by
the quality of his work, but shall let the poem do the talking.

A rastafarian seafish - Bob Marlin,
Is the sub aqua pop charts new darlin',
He sings terrific refrains,
About clearing out drains,
Though some of the lyrics are startlin.

Well, well, well.

By the way, the gentleman's name is Giblet Stained-Garment (of the
Bristol Stained-Garments).

Kind regards,

Lambert Thribble.

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The Mullet

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

It has struck me on a number of occasions that when going about our day
to day business, we interact with many fish of whom we know nothing. We
meet fish who may in the past have led glamorous lives but have now
fallen on leaner times. The following poem is dedicated to such a fish,
although, for the sake of his family, I have changed his name.

A mild-mannered mullet, named Norman,
Was a put-upon restaurant doorman,
He once had been king of the flying trapeze,
Until he fell, after an unfortunate sneeze,
Now he walks with an obvious limp,
And on careful inspection his tail has a crimp.

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1999 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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The Mussel

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

I have, for many years, had a particular fondness for the mussel. I met
Marlon, the star of the following poem, only recently. Marlon was a
particularly ambitious moule, who unfortunately lost his life in a
culinary incident. So, in memoriam:

Marlon the moule,
Swam in a pool,
With shallots,
And white wine that was rare.

He said 'It's my mission,
To fulfil my ambition,
And become, a moule, mariniere.'

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 2000 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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The Perch

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

The perch has always appeared to me to have a look of experiencing hard
times. I have thus cast the perch in this poem as a victim, attackers
unknown. Personally I suspect that the assailants were a school of
ghastly sculpins.

Percy the perch,
walked with a lurch,
for at the age of three days,
he was mugged near a church.

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1999 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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The Pike

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

I have been working on the following poem for some time. The pike is a
stocky, powerful fish who appears to have a single minded approach to
winning competitions, much like the professional cyclist. I wonder how
long it will be before a pike wins the Tour de France. Not too much
longer I suspect.

Mike was a pike,
Who was good on a bike,
But as he frequently fell,
At the sound of a bell,
He decided to go back to his trike.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1998 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

The Dyke Pike

Dear Rev. Travisty,

The pike has been depicted in many books as a ferocious fish, attacking
allcomers and vigorously defending its territory. I noticed this only the
other day in sunny Teeside. inspiring me to write a short ode.

Agnes was a violent pike,
she swam along the Tee.
Some said she was a hairy dyke,
but only quietly.

regards,

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A Gentleman Salmon

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

I have moved back to my original style. Although I regarded "The Carp"
as a minor success, I feel more comfortable with a less staccato meter.
To mark this decision, I have written a poem about a salmon, the
gentleman of the fish world.

A gentleman salmon named Jerry,
When hit by an Isle of Wight Ferry,
Was asked by the press,
"Have you suffered distress?",
He said "Sod off and get me some sherry".

Regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 1998 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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A sardine with dreams

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

Fish have private lives, they have secrets and desires. Some people
claim to be trapped in the body of the other gender, why not fish? Why
not even in the wrong type of fish? This poem is about an unfortunate
sardine, with dreams.

'I don't want to be a sardine',
said Maurice,
'I'd rather be a bream,
called Doris'.

With a twinset and pearls,
I'd be out with the girls,
And wooed by the lovely Steve Norris.

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 2000 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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A blinking shark

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

I was told recently that the shark is the only fish able to blink both
eyes simultaneously. Whether this is true or not I cannot say. However,
the thought struck me, what if one of these piscine princes was unable
to perform this feat. Could it have a pronounced effect on the shark in
question, perhaps even in, dare I say it, his love life?

Derek was a disabled shark,
I cannot tell a lie,
He never went out after dark
As he only had one eye.

He sold his opera glasses,
And bought a telescope,
He spied, then made some passes,
At a very attractive Tope.

'Blink them both,' said the naughty Tope,
Noticing his eye-patch,
'It is only then you have a hope,
Of fingering my snatch.'

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 2000 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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S-kate

Dear Mr Hemorrhoid,

I cannot thank you enough for allowing me to view
your shudderingly good odes and sonnets to fish. I
myself have often pondered with quiet affection the
beauty of our sea dwelling friends. Indeed I once
had an erotic encounter with a Pollock named Jackson,
although the affair ended when I was sick on one of
his whiteboards.

But that is by the by. I was so changed by the spleen
of your poetry, that I was moved to attempt my own
fishy verse. I am only too aware that my delicate and
tentative steps into the world of water-based poetry
cannot compare to the nonsense produced by you and
your esteemable peers. But I wonder if you might cast
your expert eyes over these sad ditties and give me
some harsh and painful advice?

Yours with trepidation, E. Bygum

The sad and sorrowful tale of Kate v Simon

Simon the transvestite Skate,
Suffered awfully with gloom and self-hate,
To stop people guessing,
He turned to cross-dressing,
And announced himself always as Kate.

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Oops How's Yer Father

I once new a camp Slippery Dick,
We were banged up together in the nick,
An inmate named Morgan,
Mocked Slippy's organ,
Dick hissed "I may not be long but I'm thick".

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W.C.

There once was a well dressed Red Snapper,
An ancestor of the inventive T. Crapper,
Who I read in the news,
Made a fortune from loos,
And became Sir Dapper Crapper R. Snapper.

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O sole mio

Dear Rev. Travisty,

I have had this poem rattling around my head for some time, and wonder if you
might consider it worthy of inclusion in your annals?

Steve the Sole was hungry.
He'd eaten everything in the house.
So he slipped down a crack in the floorboards,
Hiccuped, and devoured a mouse.

I appreciate that mice are not the usual diet for Soles, but I really think that
if a fish were hungry enough and had the ability to find a mouse, he wouldn't
let thousands of years of evolution stand in his way.

yours,

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Terry the Tench

Attn: Professor Murgatroyd Alfresco-pingpong.

Dear Professor,

If it is abused, alcohol is a terrible thing. We unthinkingly use the
expression 'drinks like a fish'. The character in this poem did indeed
drink like a fish, he then slept on a park bench and met a sticky end.

Terry the tench,
Awoke on a bench,
Regretting his night on the grog.

He adjusted his cloak,
Gave a weak croak,
And was eaten by a small dog.

I hope that you enjoy the poem.

Kind regards,
Gilbert Hemorrhoid.

Author of: "A life in the mathematics of Haddock".
(c) Copyright 2000 Gilbert Hemorrhoid

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Trout on parade

Dear Rev. Travisty,

I was watching a policeman arrest a man the other day when I noticed the look of
resignation on both the policeman's and the criminal's faces. I saw the same look once
on a trout, and wondered how the policemen of the river, the trout, feel when they
catch a crime being committed.

Trevor the trout is a policefish in the West End.
He caught a perch going mob-handed with a circular saw.
Trevor nicked him hoping he wouldn't reoffend.
Nothing personal. It's just the long fin of the law.

Regards,

Neither Funny Nor Good But It Rhymes

Philip the pugilist Trout,
Had problems in every bout,
At the start of each fight,
You knew you'd be right,
If you bet that he'd soon be knocked out.

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Tuna Fish

Dear Rev. Travisty,

I was musing the other day on the tuna, a fish whose destiny it is to be chopped
into slices and canned. I felt a ray of hope should be offered to this
downtrodden fish.

To be a tuna is to have an awful fate,
If you asked one, I bet he'd reply "not great".
Chopped up in slices and encased in tin,
A tuna cannot easily swim.
In fact it would be the piscine equivalent,
Of concrete shoes to a mafia informant.
But put him in a mortar and shout fire!
That tuna would go very very far.

yours,