function aphorism() { var thoughts = new Array(); thoughts[0] = "Cognito ergo sums"; thoughts[1] = "Have a strategy for dealing with the unexpected."; thoughts[2] = "Half full and half empty are the same."; thoughts[3] = "No-one ever asks what the cup is half full of."; thoughts[4] = "Our politicians have integrity running through them like the writing in Edinburgh rock."; thoughts[5] = "If you want me to be spontaneous, you'll need to give me more warning."; thoughts[6] = "If you're going to be pedantic, do it properly."; thoughts[7] = "I don't remember the sixties, but I was there."; thoughts[8] = "There's nothing like a good romantic comedy to make you feel miserable."; thoughts[9] = "People with principles are a nuisance."; thoughts[10] = "Correction - people who have principles and stick to them are a nuisance."; thoughts[11] = "The trouble with the road less travelled is you meet fewer people."; thoughts[12] = "If beauty is only skin deep, what does that make clothes?"; thoughts[13] = "Stab people in the back - it's the safest way."; thoughts[14] = "I find vehicle activated signs a distraction.
But I'm learning to ignore them."; thoughts[15] = "I have a photographic memory - I can remember stuff for about 1/60th of a second."; thoughts[16] = "Tiny acorns grow from mighty oaks."; thoughts[17] = "I'm starting to get my words mixed up - I think it's the anorexia setting in."; thoughts[18] = "When I was a lad, the school dinners were so bad we had a joke -
" + "Q. What's yellow and dangerous?
A. Custard."; thoughts[19] = "If you wait long enough, the feelings go away.
If you wait long enough, the feelings come back."; thoughts[20] = "Prolonged exposure to loud and discordant music has left me emotionally dependent on it.
" + "It's called Stockhausen's Syndrome."; thoughts[21] = "Keep your electrolytes up - drink battery acid."; thoughts[22] = "I'm not a sad man - I'm just differently happy."; thoughts[23] = "I feel a sense of commitment.
Or rather, I feel a sense of imminent commitment."; thoughts[24] = "I don't need to worry about the men in white coats coming to take me away in their van.
" + "The psychiatric hospital's just down the road so I could probably walk."; thoughts[25] = "My dentist isn't surprised that I get so relaxed in his chair I fall asleep.
He knows where I work."; thoughts[26] = "I want to be known as a clever person who does things others can't, not as a bold person who does things others wouldn't."; thoughts[27] = "Some things are safe but appear dangerous; others are dangerous but appear safe.
Which would you rather do?"; thoughts[28] = "I don't like learning from my mistakes."; thoughts[29] = "Never be the first to fly; wait until someone else takes off.
"+ "If that person is THE MAN IN BLACK, wait for a second opinion."; thoughts[30] = "When it comes to overtaking, I go by the Shakespearean Highway Code.
" + "'If it were done when 'tis done then t'were well it were done quickly.'"; thoughts[31] = "I'm trying to encourage wildlife into my garden.
" + "If I plant bamboo, maybe I can attract Panda bears."; thoughts[32] = "I have this picture of Britney Spears, and I'm gonna use
Photoshop to make her look like she's completely dressed."; thoughts[33] = "If all else fails, hit it with a big hammer."; thoughts[34] = "Why are films unsuitable for children only shown after midnight?
" + "Everyone knows that kids are better at working video recorders than their parents,
" + "so they'd be as well showing them during the day when the little darlings are at school."; thoughts[35] = "I'm trying to be carbon neutral.
" + "I planted seventeen Leylandii in my garden."; thoughts[36] = "Time off for a nuclear physicist - 'Gone Fission'."; thoughts[37] = "I'm not sure I believe in the existence of weather balloons.
" + "I reckon people just say they've seen one when there was something in the sky they didn't recognise."; thoughts[38] = "I remember when environmentalists were in favour of wind farms."; thoughts[39] = "The sun is shining.
Hope springs in all of our hearts,
But soon the rain falls."; thoughts[40] = "I like vegitarian pizza, but only if the vegitarians are fresh."; thoughts[41] = "I like Brigadoon, but I only watch it once every hundred years."; thoughts[42] = "It takes more muscles to frown than to smile.
" + "Save yourself some effort and do neither."; thoughts[43] = "So many toys, so little time..."; thoughts[44] = "Some politicians reckon public services would be more efficient if privatised.
" + "I think they should consider privatising government."; thoughts[45] = "Inside every Super Guppy there's a Superfortress trying to get out."; thoughts[46] = "I try to be environmentally friendy -
I recycle my jokes."; thoughts[47] = "If it's broke, fix it."; thoughts[48] = "Don't act your age.
If you have to act, it's just pretentious."; thoughts[49] = "Typical tabloid motto -
All the news that's fit to print, and more."; thoughts[50] = "All technology introduced before your birth is invisible."; thoughts[51] = "I've got to go to sensitivity training -
something about being unsympathetic towards morons."; thoughts[52] = "Rap would sound better if it were set to music."; thoughts[53] = "You get impatient when you're stuck in a queue.
" + "When you're at the front of a queue, you have all the time in the world."; thoughts[54] = "Don't think of them as opportunities, think of them as problems."; thoughts[55] = "I think bank accounts for children are a great idea.
" + "It gives youngsters valuable experience of being ripped off."; thoughts[56] = "You never really own money -
you're just safeguarding it for the Inland Revenue"; thoughts[57] = "I have a vocabulary, and I'm gonna use it."; thoughts[58] = "I reckon I have hypochondriac tendences but my doctor assures me I'm just imagining it."; thoughts[59] = "11^10 + 100^10 = 101^10"; thoughts[60] = "Sometimes humans need protected from the environment."; thoughts[61] = "I seem to have overclocked my brain."; thoughts[62] = "I'm rapidly becoming the Man in Grey."; thoughts[63] = "I'm doing educational research on my students,
but I'm not allowed to do the LD50 test."; thoughts[64] = "Is there such a thing as a third wind?"; thoughts[65] = "This web site has not been tested on animals."; thoughts[66] = "Don't worry about the future - it may never happen."; thoughts[67] = "I've been taking more salt because I've heard it makes you hyperactive.
Doesn't seem to be working."; thoughts[68] = "First rule of cheating - copy off someone who knows what they're doing."; thoughts[69] = "Zeroth rule of cheating - copy off someone who's doing the same assessment."; thoughts[70] = "This was a bad day,
But soon I will forget all.
New woes come my way."; thoughts[71] = "I've developed a new operating system which kills 100% of all known computer viruses.
It's called Dom-SDOS"; thoughts[72] = "I still haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up.
There's plenty of time."; thoughts[73] = "Standard operating procedure for students
" + "Rule #37 - On being unsure which room to go to -
Work out which is the more likely, then go to the other one." thoughts[74] = "I don't pay any attention to politicians and their activities.
It would only encourage them."; thoughts[75] = "Traffic calming measures -
" + "Making the roads safer by introducing hazards." thoughts[76] = "Q - What's the most dangerous plant in the garden?
" + "A - An enemy anemone." thoughts[77] = "I hope that by never changing my style I will at some time become fashionable by default.
" + "It isn't going to happen any other way." thoughts[78] = "The anaesthetic the dentist gave me made half my head numb,
" + "and I lost touch with my caring, sensitive, feminine side.
" + "Didn't feel any different." thoughts[79] = "Ignorance is bliss,
cleverness will be punished." thoughts[80] = "Carbon sequestration - Isn't that just a euphemism for 'landfill'?" thoughts[81] = "A difficult task:
the reward for completion
is a harder one."; thoughts[82] = "In the future, it will be illegal to deny the existence of climate change."; thoughts[83] = "I'm considering a boating holiday in Central America.
" + "A man, a plan, a canoe - me on a canal, Panama." thoughts[84] = "What I want to know is - who coined the word 'neologism',
" + "and did they appreciate the irony?" thoughts[85] = "Ask not for whom the postman calls.
" + "It is not for thee." thoughts[86] = "I like swimming, but only when the alternative is drowning." thoughts[87] = "My standard operating procedure
" + "Rule #1 - See what everyone else is doing, then do something different." thoughts[88] = "Home taping did indeed kill music.
" + "That's why we've got so much rap." thoughts[89] = "I caught a glimpse of a strange black vehicle on the road the other day.
" + "I wonder if it's one of those stealth taxis." thoughts[90] = "At work the gossip spreads so fast you get Cherenkov radiation off it."; var nThoughts=thoughts.length; today = new Date; thought = Math.floor(today.getTime()/(1000*60*60*24)) % nThoughts; //document.write(thoughts[14]+"
"); document.write(thoughts[thought]); }