Blasted heath, front of tabs. 3 witches stand around bubbling cauldron.
Morag Double, double, toil and trouble;
Isabel Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Katy Here, have we not done this bit already?
Morag Oh, so we have. (Puts cauldron to one side.)
I shouldn't be eating anyway. I'm on a diet.
Katy Really?
Morag It's a sea food diet. When I see food, I eat it.
Katy I've heard that one already. My granny found it in a cracker when she was a wee girl.
Isabel I get all my food from the stationer's.
Katy How come?
Isabel It's a staple diet.
Katy You two are terrible.
Morag Seriously, though, when I wake up in the morning I'm so hungry I could murder a plate of Corn Flakes.
Katy I suppose that makes you a cereal killer, then.
Morag (to audience) She’s getting the hang of this!
Never mind that - you-know-who is coming. Remember, we need to make out that we're helping him, without actually saying anything useful. Does everyone know what they're doing?
Isabel and Katy
Yes.
Morag Well here goes.
Enter Macbeth L.
Macbeth How now, you secret, black, and midnight hags! What is it you do?
Morag It wasnae me.
Isabel Nobody saw us.
Katy You cannae prove anything.
Morag Anyway, we said you'd be King, and it came true, didn't it?
Macbeth Yes, but how do I know you're not going to trick me?
Morag Who, us?
Isabel We wouldn't do that.
Katy We're regulated by the FSA.
Macbeth The FSA?
Morag Forecasting Services Authority. Look, here's the contract. You can check it if you like. (Gives him what looks like a single piece of paper.)
Isabel There's hardly any small print.
As Macbeth looks at the contract, it opens out into a six-foot long document, on fan-fold paper.
Macbeth Hmmm. What about my enemies? They're plotting against me. How do I know they won't win?
Morag Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth,
Audience Gonnae no say that!
Morag (to audience) Oh, we're alright. Curses don't work on us.
Beware Macduff,
Beware the MSP for Auchenshoogle.
Macbeth What, him? He's just a boy. Is there anybody else?
Isabel Be bold and resolute; laugh to
scorn
The power of man; for none of woman born
Shall harm Macbeth.
Macbeth So maybe Macduff isn't such a problem.
But I'll bump him off anyway, just to be on the safe side.
Katy Be lion-mettled, proud, and take
no care
Who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are;
Until to Holyrood shall come against you
Penguins.
Macbeth Penguins?
Witches Penguins.
Macbeth You're having me on. It's a trick, isn't it! Maybe the cafeteria will get a delivery of biscuits, is that it?
Morag No trick.
Isabel No biscuits.
Katy Real penguins.
Macbeth Oh alright then, but I'm sure there's a catch. Any trouble from you lot and I'll set my secret police on you.
Morag What secret police?
Isabel We've not heard of any secret police.
Macbeth That's why they're called secret police, dunderheid. Now if you will excuse me, ladies, I have more important business to attend to.
Exit Macbeth L.
Morag Fancy that, trying to threaten us of all people.
Katy What a numpty!
Morag Of course we're going to trick him!
Isabel Of course there's a catch!
Katy Has he not read the script?
But what about the contract? Is there something in the small print?
Morag Yes, dear, it's in the first line.
Katy What's in the first line?
Isabel It's the wee asterisk.
Katy What does the wee asterisk stand for?
Morag “Not applicable in Scotland.”
They laugh
Witches We tricked the man, he'll soon find
out,
His end is coming, have no doubt.
He'll be destroyed by his ambition,
That's aye the way, it is tradition.
Exit all, laughing.
Blackout
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