'Are your relatives in business?'

'Yes - in the iron and steel business'

'Oh, indeed?'

'Yes - me mother irons and me father steals'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'If I had a rabbit in a hutch, and I bought another rabbit, how many rabbits would I have?'

'Why, two, of course' 'No, ten'

'You don't know your arithmetic'

'You don't know my rabbits'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?'

'I don't know' 'A weasel is weasily distinguished'

'What about the stoat?' 'That's stoatally different'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'I know a man who eats nothing but Chinese food'

'Why is that?'

'He's a Chinaman'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Where were you born?' 'Liverpool' 'What part?'

'All of me' 'Have you lived there all your life?'

'Not yet' 'Any great men born there?'

'No - only babies'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'How long has your father been in his present position?'

'Three months' 'And what is he doing?'

'Six months'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'We had two windmills on our farm, but we took one of them down. We found we didn't have enough wind for two'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'We found out that white horses eat more than black horses, so we got rid of the white horses'

'That's silly - why should the white horses eat more than the black horses?'

'We tried every way to figure it out, and we couldn't figure any reason, unless it was because we had more of the white horses.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'He said you were't fit to associate with pigs, but I stuck up for you.'

'That's right - always stick up for me. What did you say?' 'I said you were.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Do you serve lobsters?'

'We serve anybody, sir.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'You know, my nephew was very ill - they rushed him to the hospital and they operated on him just in time. Two days later he would have got better without it.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'The little girl played something on the piano - "The Maiden's Prayer" by Sousa - Cohen said, "Say, Levitski, what do you think of her execution?" - I said, "I'm in favour of it".'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'How can I get rid of some ugly fat?'

'Send her home to mother'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'There isn't a word for marriage - it's a sentence'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Just then there was a knock on the door. I knew it saw the wife's mother because the mice were throwing themselves on the traps. The wife said, "How would you like to speak to Mummy?" - I said, "Through a spiritualist".'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Is it cold up there?'

'Cold? - it's very cold - you know, if you light a match, the flame freezes - you can't blow it out!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'I'm not as stupid as I look, you know.'

'You couldn't be'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Mixed feelings is when you see your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car'.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Confucius he say: Man with one watch always know what time it is - Man with two watches never sure.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

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