Kill Bill Vols. 1 & 2
Quentin Tarantino
2003/2004
Running Times: Too fucking long
Cast: Uma Thurman, David Carradine,
Michael Madsen,
Sonny Chiba (to name but a few)
Please
note this is a rather shorter review than you would find in these pages
but to waste anymore time writing about the Quintmeisters crapathon
would be giving him more coverage than he deserves. Also I
haven't done any research for this piece this is all straight from the
fucking heart!
Uma gets shot. She survives. Coma. Wakes. Gets
revenge. People die. The end
Expectations
were always going to be running off the expectometer and if they were
to be met it would have to be something totally, completely, utterly
outstanding. Kill Bill and its sequel isn't it. They just
ain't worth the six-year hiatus from directing that he maintains was
spent stock piling scripts and writing. If by writing, he means
ripping off all your favourite movies, genres, composers and worst of
all, his own movies (how far up your own arse can you get?) then
I definitely want to be a writer. In an interview, he said this was the
kind of film he would like to see. Fair enough. He then
went on to say that he wanted to get rid of the boring bits between the
action. Again, fair enough, but he's not actually practising what
he's preaching. There are boring bits and that includes the
action scenes (in fact Kill Bill Vol. 2 is one monumental bore)
This kinda stuff has been done before and better. This is like me
spouting out about my fave flicks and getting them to pay for it.
Nobody gives a shit that I love Shogun Assassin, spaghetti westerns,
manga (the animated sequence sucks balls) and kung fu films, so why
should we care that Tarantino does as well. Shiiit, if I was
given a couple of a million dollars I could have produced a piece of
work ten times better than these two cinematic crap fests.
Reviews said the first one was bloody as hell. Bullshit with a
big bastarding B! Reviews said the fight sequences were
exhilarating, yeah right. The fight sequences are a fucking bore and
only exhilarating to an audience who can't spell kung fu movie let
alone seen one. You can quote me on that till those bovine
beasties haul their asses to that place that there is no place
like. The reviews also failed to mention the total lack of
tension or excitement evident in the much lauded sword fight where Uma
takes on an army of piss poor blade wielding fuckheads. The
reason? Well, the Quintster decided to show us a list of all the
people that Uma wants to kill and there is Lucy Lui's characters name
scored off! What's that all about? So when we get to the
sequence in question there is no doubt that she is going to succeed
(also the fact there is going to be a sequel kinda makes it obvious as
well. Wait a minute, have I just out argued myself out
here? Fuck it, it's a poor decision to make none the less).
Also, Mr Twatintino, don't think that your introducing Shogun Assassin
to the world. You ain't any movie fan worth his salt knows all
about it and it's history. So you can stop patting yourself on
the back for that one.
Are there any positives from this miserable experience? Well Uma
Thurman is fucking phenomenal, the vicious Japanese schoolgirl is the
yummiest trouser dept stirring image I've seen at the cinema in a long
long time (damn you Tarantino, you indulge in that fetish too).
That's about it really. So Tarantino's fourth film is a
smorgasbord of themes, images music and turn ons that have floated the
Quentmeisters boat for years. And because of who he is, he can
get to share them with us all. Great! If that’s all it
takes to make a fuckin' film then I'm gonna make my own. It has
to be better than this.
Review
By Martainn Russell.
Martainn
can be contacted at: rodriguezruscw4@supanet.com
© Owned
Martainn Russell 27/09/2004 23:00