Behaviour Types

Three behaviour types stem from low self-esteem:

Agressive

Sees conflict as a competition that must be won at all costs. Refuses to acknowledge any point of view but their own. Will react with abuse and violence to belittle others. Manages conflict by crushing opponents. Aggressive behaviour types instantly put others on the defensive.

Passive

Avoids making decisions and taking responsibility for making choices, forcing others to make the choices and thus take the blame. Refuses to accept credit, constantly belittling themselves. Avoids any kind of conflict

Passive-Aggressive

Refuses to trust anyone. Skilled at deceiving others: appears to think highly of others but always with an undercurrent of disapproval. Manipulates others and situations to acheive their goals. Main weapon is guilt - making others feel guilty

These behaviour patterns may be blended together in each of us. The blend may vary in the different aspects of our lives. Recognising these behaviour patterns in ourselves without assigning blame, is the key to change.

Assertive behaviour:

• Combines self-respect with respect for others
• Openly accepts positive and negative qualities in self, and is thus more authentic in acceptance of others
• Recognises their own needs and ask openly and directly
• Does not require the approval of others and does not fear rejection
• Gives themselves credit for what they understand and feel

Assertive solutions are workable compromises, working around a conflict. Being assertive is not about winning or losing, which implies competition. If each person concerned in a conflict feels acknowledged, then this is a sure sign that an assertive solution has been found. Assertiveness recognises the needs feelings and rights of everyone.

Being Assertive

Assertive action means choosing to make a clear request.

There are three key steps to being assertive:

Get to the Point

Decide what you want or feel, and say so clearly. Avoid unnecessary preamble and padding

Stick to the Point

Repeat your position as many times as necessary. Repeatedly stating your position, protects you from manipulation, irrelevant logic and argumentative bait.

Field Responses

Acknowledge responses, whilst repeating your position. Do not get drawn into an argument. Simply acknowledge what's being said whilst restating your position.

Practice Assertiveness

1. Make a list of ten situations where you'd like to be more assertive
2. Rank the list from 1 to 10, with ten being the most difficult
3. Practice being more assertive, starting with the easiest situations