Some possible answering machine messages for you to try.......
"Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial advisers, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are my girlfriend, I have plenty of money.
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. If you want something cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need new windows, or a kitchen, and their carpets are clean. They already donate to charities by direct debit and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not a conventional answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you're a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns will now be digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, but our professional extortionists will contact you shortly to explain the benefits of our service, and arrange your schedule of payments. Please speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you do say will be recorded and will be used by us."
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right.
So leave a message and when we've finished brushing our teeth, we'll get straight back to you.