The Twelve Days of Christmas
December 14th
My Dearest John
I went to the door today and the Postman had for me a partridge in a Pear Tree. What a delightful gift. Thank you for the wonderful thought. With deep love and affection always. Yours loving AgnesDecember 15th
Dearest John
Today the Postman brought your very sweet gift - Two Turtle Doves. I am delighted, they are adorable. All my love, Yours AgnesDecember 16th
Dear John
Oh, how extravagant you really are. I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French Hens! I insist you are too kind. Love AgnesDecember 17th
Dear John
Yet another present, this time Four Calling Birds. You really are spoiling me. Love AgnesDecember 18th
Dearest John
What a surprise, today the Postman brought me Five Rings, one for every Finger. You really are impossible, but I love you. Frankly all those birds were beginning to get on my nerves with their constant squawking. Your ever loving AgnesDecember 19th
Dear John
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six b##### great Geese laying eggs all over the front doorstep. So we're back with the birds again. Where on earth do you suppose I can keep them all: The neighbours say they can smell them and I can't sleep for the noise. Please stop. Cordially AgnesDecember 20th
John
What is it with these s###### Birds? Now I get Swans a-swimming. Is this some sort of ####### joke or what? The house is full of bird s### and the racket. I'm becoming a nervous wreck. So it's not funny, stop sending b##### birds. AgnesDecember 21st
OK Buster
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight Maids-a-Milking? It's not enough with all those birds, now I have eight Cows s####ing all over the house and mooing all night. Lay off. AgnesDecember 22nd
Dear S###head
What are you? Some kind of nut? Now I have Nine Pipers playing and Christ do they play. When they aren't playing their s###ing pipes they're chasing the maids through the cow s###. The cows keep mooing and treading all over the b##### birds and the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted. You'll get yours. AgnesDecember 23rd
You Rotten B######!
Now we have ten Ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these w###### 'Ladies' is beyond me. They are ####### the pipers all night long, the cows can't sleep and have diarrhoea. My living room is a river of s### and the Landlords have just declared the building unfit. P### off! AgnesDecember 24th
Listen Twohead
With eleven Lords a-leaping all over the maids, the Ladies and me may never walk again. The pipers are fighting the Lords for the crumpet and are committing b###### with the cows. All the birds are dead and rotting amongst the cow s### after being trampled during the orgy, but not before they had eaten my gold rings. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious s###house. Your sworn enemy Agnes25th December
Grabbit and Runn
Solicitors
Dear Sir
We are in receipt of your gift of the 25th, of Twelve Fiddlers Fiddling with themselves. We understand this is merely the latest infliction in your sustained persecution of our client, Miss Agnes Fullbody who is at present residing in the Happy Hours Nursing Home.
We are under instructions to charge you with the destruction of our client's home, sanitation and genitals. You are warned not to attempt to contact Miss Fullbody who has given the Nursing Home staff instructions to shoot you on sight. A warrant has been issued for your arrest and should be served after you receive this letter. Yours faithfully.
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