Ferndean School Report for Spring Term 1995

Pupils Name: God

ENGLISH:

(11%) Poor, handwriting weak.

FRENCH :

(9%) Very poor.

GEOGRAPHY:

(30%) Suprisingly poor. His knowledge appears somewhat dated. Interesting ideas about rock formation; keeps going around going Kerpow!

BIOLOGY :

(28%) Weak, thinks he know it all. Constantly rude about Darwin

DIVINITY:

(14%) Poor, keeps disputing Biblical facts on the ground that he was "misquoted"

LATIN :

(100%) Quite the best student I've ever had

WOODWORK :

(87%) An excellent carpenter. Mary and I are still very fond of him

DOMESTIC SCIENCE

(54%) A useful little cook, the pillar of salt will come in handy for a long time.

ART

(62%) Very creative, however he does keep claiming to have created everything, including myself, Mr Vidler and the organist.

GAMES:

Will not row, hates games and once parted the waters of the swimming pool during a match against the old boys which was both unsporting and dangerous. He can still do press ups.

PROGRESS AND CONDUCT:

I am afraid that I am severely disappointed in God's work. All three of him have shown no tendency to improve and He merely sits at the back of the class talking to Himselves. He has shown no interest in rugger, asked to be excused prayers and moves in a mysterious way.
What is more his omniprescence is beginning to cause some embarrasment in big school, since he is continually out of bounds and at the same time always in matron's bed.
Finally, his attentions to the carpentry masters fiancee caused her to leave a term early and there are several nasty rumours flying around.

HOUSEMASTERS REMARKS:

I am very sorry to be losing God's ability and friendliness from the house. We will never forget how he made the Model Railway Club layout in six days! It seems unlikely that he will now get into Oxford or Cambridge but I could recommend Him for a job at Unilever.

I can't remember where I found this, but people tell me it's

originally from a Monty Python book.

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